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"Do you ever zone out but you're aware that you're zoned out, but you're too lazy to zone back in "

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""Always be positive!" *Trips down stairs* Me: Woo, I got down those stairs fast!"

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"I once saw someone skipping rocks and eating a sandwich on the beach. He tossed his sandwich in the water and bit the rock and froze and I just watched him die a little inside :("

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Whisper App. Confessions from dads who found out the baby wasn't theirs.

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"Reminder to self: Just because you can stay up until 5 in the morning doesn't mean you should"

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"*See's crush dab* Me: *sigh* Why are the pretty ones always stupid?" "

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"I always control my breathing when walking up a flight of stairs so I don't seem unfit... Then I go around the corner and die "

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"I know I wasn't the only weirdo teenager who used to practice their signature in case they got famous. "

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"Every procrastinator ever- If tomorrow isn't the due date, Today isn't the do date."

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"Scientists say the universe is made up of neutrons, protons, and electrons. They forgot to mention morons"

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